I'm a mom to grown kids now, and I certainly experienced the pressure project to good vibes all the time. I never managed it when my kids were little, and I don't manage it now. I don't see the benefit in denying that life can be hard. If you hide all your struggles from kids, how will they ever learn to handle their own? There's a Noah Kahan song called "Northern Attitude" that rings so many bells for me having grown up in northern New England. "Forgive my Northern attitude; I was raised out in the cold... Forgive my Northern attitude, I was raised on little light." It's just not in my nature to be sunny all the time. I've never met other's expectations in that way. I was just having a conversation in the locker room this morning with a swimming buddy of mine who is a caregiver for a partner with dementia. We both agreed that one of the things that keeps us both away from support groups for people dealing with dementia in their families is the permanently rosy outlook expressed, the exhortations to "cherish the time you have left," constantly referring to "your loved one" when in so many cases dementia has destroyed not only the person you used to love, but any relationship you ever had. So I think it's not just moms who get this message, it's all caregivers. God forbid you are honest about how hard things are. My locker room chats and commiserations with other friends who have dealt with dementia in relatives are far more valuable than any support group that makes a positive attitude just one more thing I need to achieve.
Hi Tara, thanks so much for your insight here and sharing about your experience. Really appreciate the rawness and honesty. The good vibes pressure directed at women and caregivers especially can be draining. It sounds like it was helpful to have that conversation with your swimming buddy and to agree that group-help is not something you want because of the ever-rosy mentality that is pushed there, particularly for people dealing with familial dementia. I wonder, too, if it depends on the group leadership? I know for me, having been in several recovery and addiction-support groups, the leadership is what has set the tone for those meetings. Some of my closest allies and supportive friends come from those groups, and they were people with whom I could share darkest, worst, and most sh*tty moments of caregiving and suffering. Food for thought. Anyway, so glad to have your voice here on this thread and in The Mom Diaries. I'd love to learn/hear more about what you're going through, and I'm planning to pop over to your profile right now. Cheers, Kay.
I am so happy I stumbled across your page…and all of the people you shared as I am constantly looking for more psych related works on substack!
I believe “good vibes only” has also been very pervasive in the life coaching industry/the pop psychology we come acrosss on socials…which I think just came from the self-help movement which started to spread toxic positivity., where people were not addressing the main issues and trying to cover it all up with love and light. When a huge part of our healing is integrating our shadow addressing our traumas and becoming individualized in our human experience. I could go on and on with this but will end the ramble here .. clearly it’s not a slogan I’m fond of 😂
Look forward to digging through more of your writing 🤍
I never thought about that slogan in this way but damn, it’s true. Us mamas should re brand it. But then I also heard something in passing about how ‘Vibe’ to describe everything is out / overrun. “You as you are in this moment” can be the new sign. Welcome to the bagel shop as you are mama, if you’re stressed, pissed, annoyed...welcome!!
I love the thoughts you included on "unconditional positive regard" -- I think I do expect the unrealistic "good vibes only!" from myself, at least (be happy! it's your job!), and sometimes from others. But the Rogers way is the better way for all of us! Such a good reminder!
Thanks, Meredith! Yes! I agree. I find that Rogers’ perspective on UPR between clinicians-patients can be translated to the relationship we have with ourselves and really, with any other human being. Thanks again for your perspective :)
Kay, this article really resonates! As a mother of two myself (boys, ages 10 and 13) I know all too well the pressure to be perfect. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at setting boundaries and allowing myself space to feel "less than perfect" vibes, but it's not always easy because of societal expectations. Thank you for bringing this important topic to light: it's a great reminder that it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they may be!
Thanks, Miranda! I really appreciate that. You're so right about the societal expectations we face--they are very real and create an undercurrent of pressure for us moms. I'm inspired by the fact that you have gotten better at setting boundaries and allowing yourself to feel "less than perfect" vibes. (Also: I may be coming to you for advice when my kids become preteens! LOL) :)) thanks again.
What if my bad vibes need your good vibes? What if I need to spill my bad vibes to make room for the good ones? My tribe is THE best! I can bleed all over them if I need. As an introvert, I need to get the words out of my head through my mouth, so I can move on.
Hi Parthenia! I hear ya! Thanks so much for your perspective! ..... It is so helpful to have people / tribe / other moms we can speak our truth to, share what's really going on, and how we honestly feel. Without that opportunity, we disconnect: from ourselves and others. Acknowledging my "bad" vibes (discomfort, etc.) is how I get to a better spot, as you say "I need to get the words out of my head through my mouth, so I can move on." Yes!
Wow, Kay, thanks for the shout-out!❤️ You are so right about the “good vibes only” pressure in our culture, and how it weighs hard on moms. I was fortunate enough to find a mom’s group within a statewide (God bless Minnesota) ECFE - Early Childhood Family Education - program. The program offers a learning space for kids, while moms sit in a separate room, drink coffee and share stories, with no judgment. My small pod was much the same. Both saved my life. Possibly my kids’ lives as well. I was that desperate for camaraderie and support.
So glad you are an advocate for the acceptance of all of our feelings. Dissociation will kill you, body and soul.❤️
I wonder if you recall what topics you talked about with your mom-friends in the ECFE group? I'd imagine the beauty and value of the group was as much about feeling held and validated as it was about sharing tips for parenting, etc. ?
I'm a mom to grown kids now, and I certainly experienced the pressure project to good vibes all the time. I never managed it when my kids were little, and I don't manage it now. I don't see the benefit in denying that life can be hard. If you hide all your struggles from kids, how will they ever learn to handle their own? There's a Noah Kahan song called "Northern Attitude" that rings so many bells for me having grown up in northern New England. "Forgive my Northern attitude; I was raised out in the cold... Forgive my Northern attitude, I was raised on little light." It's just not in my nature to be sunny all the time. I've never met other's expectations in that way. I was just having a conversation in the locker room this morning with a swimming buddy of mine who is a caregiver for a partner with dementia. We both agreed that one of the things that keeps us both away from support groups for people dealing with dementia in their families is the permanently rosy outlook expressed, the exhortations to "cherish the time you have left," constantly referring to "your loved one" when in so many cases dementia has destroyed not only the person you used to love, but any relationship you ever had. So I think it's not just moms who get this message, it's all caregivers. God forbid you are honest about how hard things are. My locker room chats and commiserations with other friends who have dealt with dementia in relatives are far more valuable than any support group that makes a positive attitude just one more thing I need to achieve.
Hi Tara, thanks so much for your insight here and sharing about your experience. Really appreciate the rawness and honesty. The good vibes pressure directed at women and caregivers especially can be draining. It sounds like it was helpful to have that conversation with your swimming buddy and to agree that group-help is not something you want because of the ever-rosy mentality that is pushed there, particularly for people dealing with familial dementia. I wonder, too, if it depends on the group leadership? I know for me, having been in several recovery and addiction-support groups, the leadership is what has set the tone for those meetings. Some of my closest allies and supportive friends come from those groups, and they were people with whom I could share darkest, worst, and most sh*tty moments of caregiving and suffering. Food for thought. Anyway, so glad to have your voice here on this thread and in The Mom Diaries. I'd love to learn/hear more about what you're going through, and I'm planning to pop over to your profile right now. Cheers, Kay.
I am so happy I stumbled across your page…and all of the people you shared as I am constantly looking for more psych related works on substack!
I believe “good vibes only” has also been very pervasive in the life coaching industry/the pop psychology we come acrosss on socials…which I think just came from the self-help movement which started to spread toxic positivity., where people were not addressing the main issues and trying to cover it all up with love and light. When a huge part of our healing is integrating our shadow addressing our traumas and becoming individualized in our human experience. I could go on and on with this but will end the ramble here .. clearly it’s not a slogan I’m fond of 😂
Look forward to digging through more of your writing 🤍
Yes, exactly this Jen. Thanks so much for joining the conversation- looking forward to continuing to connect. -Kay
Very much look forward to more convos in the future! I love connecting with other mothers on these topics! 🤍
I never thought about that slogan in this way but damn, it’s true. Us mamas should re brand it. But then I also heard something in passing about how ‘Vibe’ to describe everything is out / overrun. “You as you are in this moment” can be the new sign. Welcome to the bagel shop as you are mama, if you’re stressed, pissed, annoyed...welcome!!
Thanks, Kristen! I'm really appreciative of that warm welcome. I like your idea of rebranding it. "You are as you are in this moment!" Love it!!!
I love the thoughts you included on "unconditional positive regard" -- I think I do expect the unrealistic "good vibes only!" from myself, at least (be happy! it's your job!), and sometimes from others. But the Rogers way is the better way for all of us! Such a good reminder!
Thanks, Meredith! Yes! I agree. I find that Rogers’ perspective on UPR between clinicians-patients can be translated to the relationship we have with ourselves and really, with any other human being. Thanks again for your perspective :)
Kay, this article really resonates! As a mother of two myself (boys, ages 10 and 13) I know all too well the pressure to be perfect. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at setting boundaries and allowing myself space to feel "less than perfect" vibes, but it's not always easy because of societal expectations. Thank you for bringing this important topic to light: it's a great reminder that it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they may be!
Thanks, Miranda! I really appreciate that. You're so right about the societal expectations we face--they are very real and create an undercurrent of pressure for us moms. I'm inspired by the fact that you have gotten better at setting boundaries and allowing yourself to feel "less than perfect" vibes. (Also: I may be coming to you for advice when my kids become preteens! LOL) :)) thanks again.
Thank you for the quote and shout out. 🥹
What if my bad vibes need your good vibes? What if I need to spill my bad vibes to make room for the good ones? My tribe is THE best! I can bleed all over them if I need. As an introvert, I need to get the words out of my head through my mouth, so I can move on.
Hi Parthenia! I hear ya! Thanks so much for your perspective! ..... It is so helpful to have people / tribe / other moms we can speak our truth to, share what's really going on, and how we honestly feel. Without that opportunity, we disconnect: from ourselves and others. Acknowledging my "bad" vibes (discomfort, etc.) is how I get to a better spot, as you say "I need to get the words out of my head through my mouth, so I can move on." Yes!
Wow, Kay, thanks for the shout-out!❤️ You are so right about the “good vibes only” pressure in our culture, and how it weighs hard on moms. I was fortunate enough to find a mom’s group within a statewide (God bless Minnesota) ECFE - Early Childhood Family Education - program. The program offers a learning space for kids, while moms sit in a separate room, drink coffee and share stories, with no judgment. My small pod was much the same. Both saved my life. Possibly my kids’ lives as well. I was that desperate for camaraderie and support.
So glad you are an advocate for the acceptance of all of our feelings. Dissociation will kill you, body and soul.❤️
Thank you SO much for sharing about your own experience as a mom, Mary! ...Minnesota's ECFE program does sound like a lifesaver. In my research as a doc student I find that some of the highest rates of anxiety and depression are in motherhood right after having a baby...this affiliative bonding that moms can do with each other while raising kids is SO SO important to their health (as well as the family's health). (This is an interesting research article on the topic: https://www.cell.com/trends/neurosciences/fulltext/S0166-2236(16)30177-1?_returnURL=https%3A%2F%2Flinkinghub.elsevier.com%2Fretrieve%2Fpii%2FS0166223616301771%3Fshowall%3Dtrue).
I wonder if you recall what topics you talked about with your mom-friends in the ECFE group? I'd imagine the beauty and value of the group was as much about feeling held and validated as it was about sharing tips for parenting, etc. ?
Thanks for your thoughts!!