Why 'Good Vibes Only' Is Toxic For Moms

Because it requires you to NOT be yourself.

Photo by Victor on Unsplash

"Often times when someone is criticizing you by saying “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re too much” their subconscious is saying “this is too honest” and “I’m scared of this truth.”

-Nate Postlethwait

On a recent winter morning I picked up bagels bright and early for my family. I entered the shop, greeted by the smell of fresh, warm dough. My mouth watered thinking about the salt bagel with cream cheese I’d soon be biting into as I unzipped my coat to the warm air.

In front of me, a wooden sign silently shouted “GOOD VIBES ONLY” as several other early-birds waited for their breakfast along with me. I stood next to a glass countertop and glanced awkwardly at my phone, scrolling through Substack (hi, friends!), and observed the discomfort these 3 words slowly rendered in my body: a growing tightness in my chest and a desire to hide.

In fact, my body curled inward like a green caterpillar shrinking away from a child’s eager hand. You might even call my biopsychosocial response what Dr.

Molly Dickens

PhD, refers to as a maternal stressor; in this case, an external stimuli that exerts psychological pressure on women/mothers…this being the pressure for American women to be ‘perfectly happy’ all the time.

As a mom, but also as a psychologist-in-training, I’m uncomfortable with the mantra “good vibes only.”

I like good vibes, and I also believe in positive visualization and setting intentions for personal happiness. However, I don’t like “Good Vibes Only” because it sends the message that anyone who is feeling other than good vibes is not welcome here.

“Here” can mean anywhere: the bagel shop, the conversation at school pick-up, someone’s front porch where a wooden sign leans against the shingles.

It can mean the bagel shop I’m standing in, but it can also mean the context of a relationship, like a friendship or a marriage—and I think this is where a “good vibes only” mentality becomes particularly problematic. In motherhood, more than ever, we flourish when our friendships nourish all the parts of us. In fact, as

Dr. Lucy McBride

, MD, writes, we can take comfort recognizing that medically, It’s Okay Not To Be Okay.

Motherhood is a time when, more than ever perhaps, we need to lay down the quest for perfection and relish each other’s unique gifts while validating the frustration, pain, and self-doubt that exists in the messiness of an honest life.

When we tell moms to have “good vibes only,” we’re asking them not to feel what they’re actually feeling, not to be themselves. We’re encouraging experiential avoidance in mothers when we use this phrase—a behavior of avoiding any discomfort we might be feeling at all costs. Experiential avoidance is often at the root of addictions and other damaging, cyclic behaviors. And as relational expert Dr. Yael Schonbrun explains in her Substack

Relational Riffs

, “communication turns out to be the number one thing people come into marital therapy for.” So I’d take that a step further and argue that a “Good Vibes Only” approach in a marriage ultimately kills intimacy, and stifles vulnerable conversations that lead to problem-solving and connection.

Worse, because we are parents, when we promote the “good vibes only” thing, we’re modeling this way of life to our kiddos—ultimately, saying it’s NOT OK to feel anything less than happy, and that if you do, it is unnatural or bad in some way—and that breeds shame.

“Good vibes only” promotes a relational perspective that can be damaging to intimacy in our friendships, and it can be damaging to truth itself. It promotes the idea that you—beautiful you, Mama, in all your messy, unique, ever-changing delightfulness as a woman and mother—are not welcome to share any of those less-than-perfect parts of yourself inside the bagel shop. While a single sign here and there is not enough to move mountains in my own psyche, this slogan appears in many places and unfortunately I see it regularly—especially in retail products marketed to women, girls, and mothers.

Sara Petersen

of In Pursuit of Clean Countertops, so clearly hits the nail on the head as she explains the importance of looking more closely at brand narratives and how they affect moms in her article, “What’s The Point?” “My aim with my cultural critiques of BF (and all public performances of motherhood on social media) is not to lambast individuals. It is to question how brands like BF [Ballerina Farm] function to maintain the status quo. It is to provide context for the maternal narratives so many of us are confronted with on a daily basis and interrogate the effect of these narratives. Are particular narratives and imagery good for moms?”

The real mantra behind “Good Vibes Only” is actually closer to something like this: “If You Feel Anything Other Than Good You Are Not Enough and You Are Not Welcome Here” and it slowly but pervasively embeds itself into our psyches, metastasizing on coffee mugs, car bumpers, store windows and wooden porch signs.

It whispers in our ear that if we feel less than “good vibes” we deserve to be excluded, we are not welcome here, we are not good enough, and that others won’t accept us if we aren’t happy.

The truth is, we’re human, and suffering is intrinsic to our human experience. “Good Vibes Only” is a denial of what it means to be a human mom, particularly as we deal with all the ups-and-downs of raising our children (please see psychologist Dr. Kathryn Barbash’s article “Flour Fiasco: I am Not A Calm Mom,” a hilarious post on being an imperfectly wonderful mom), healing from the collective trauma of COVID-19, working in our careers and homes, building relationships, and simply existing as 21st-century mothers.

WHERE DID IT COME FROM? SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL HISTORY…

In my work as a doctoral student, I’ve learned about self-actualization and “Unconditional Positive Regard” from the teachings of humanist and psychologist Carl Rogers, whom I admire greatly. To be clear, Rogers definitely did not advocate for this kind of absolutist thinking that “Good Vibes Only” promotes.

On the contrary, Rogers believed in person-centered therapy and authentic connection. He believed that a therapist or provider was best suited to help a patient when the doctor viewed their patient from a place of genuine empathy, or unconditional positive regard.

Carl Rogers writes on Unconditional Positive Regard: “To the extent that the therapist finds himself experiencing a warm acceptance of each aspect of the client’s experience as being part of that client, he is experiencing unconditional positive regard.”

“…It means that there are no conditions of acceptance, no feeling of ‘I like you only if you are thus and so.’” (Carl Rogers) (emphasis mine)

… “‘I feel warmly toward the client—toward his weaknesses and problems as well as his potentialities.” (Carl Rogers) (emphasis mine)

In other words, Rogers said that authentic connection happens when the therapist feels true warmth towards the client no matter what they bring to the table (good vibes or bad vibes!).

Out of Roger’s humanism in the mid-twentieth century came Martin Seligman’s “positive psychology” movement (1998), a response to Freudian/psychoanalytic over-emphasis on psychopathology and emotional pain, that built off of Rogerian person-centered therapeutic approaches.

It would seem that the “Good Vibes Only” messaging emerged from positive psychology but got twisted along the way in mainstream culture.

The slogan “Good Vibes Only” has twisted the idea of human flourishing by confusing “flourishing” with “perfection,” making the egregious mistake of assuming that suppressing one’s true feelings is the way to flourishing. It isn’t.

In reality, I believe that what us moms really need are friendships, relationships and spaces where we can bring our whole selves to the table: where the message is not “you are only welcome to share your happies not your crappies” but rather, “c’mon in and bring your whole self: your happies, your crappies, and everything else in between.”

What this requires though, is that the people who create spaces, groups, and opportunities for interaction (that’s you and me, Mamas!) have to be in that place of self-awareness and authenticity, as well. We have to be willing to be vulnerable ourselves. Of course, vulnerability doesn’t mean we have to bear all or tell our most intimate feelings at once. Healthy vulnerability encompasses strong boundaries.

And finally, what about mothers who can’t bring “Good Vibes Only” no matter how hard they try? Mamas who may be struggling with a familial crisis, a mental health condition, a tragedy, or simply a system that is designed not to support them fully? As

Parthenia Fields

writes in Hope & Necessity from her blog Hope & Coffee Matters: “And, sitting on the outside looking in makes it so easy to be right about your judgment and fit people in unfair boxes held open by a system that doesn’t care for them. They are figuring out life for themselves and their families out of necessity.”

Thanks for reading! I’d love your feedback.

Mamas,

…What do you think about the slogan “Good Vibes Only?”

…Does it resonate for you? Why or why not?

…Is there a “good” or positive intention behind the slogan? How has it gone awry?

…What does it feel like for you when you encounter “Good Vibes Only” on another mom’s t-shirt, coffee cup, or in a store?

…when can a “good vibes” perspective be beneficial?

Warmly,

Kay

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Citations:

(Experiential Avoidance) Hayes-Skelton, S. A., & Eustis, E. H. (2020). Experiential avoidance. In J. S. Abramowitz & S. M. Blakey (Eds.), Clinical handbook of fear and anxiety: Maintenance processes and treatment mechanisms (pp. 115–131). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000150-007

(Human Suffering) Tirch, D., Schoendorff, B., & Silberstein, L. R. (2014). The ACT practitioner's guide to the science of compassion: Tools for fostering psychological flexibility. New Harbinger Publications.

(Unconditional Positive Regard) Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045357

Photo by Augustine Wong on Unsplash

Disclaimer: the content on Substack’s “The Mom Diaries” of “Momffirmations” posted by Kay M. (@themomdiaries and https://substack.com/@themomdiaries) and on YouTube (@TheMomDiariesbyKayM) or any other medium or social media platform (the “information”) is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical, medical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Kay M. or The Mom Diaries or Momffirmations is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional, medical doctor, or other qualified health provider.

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As always, I like to highlight some of my favorite pieces that I’ve read in our Substack community of mothers this week. And a special shout-out to my newest subscribers and followers—

Emily Van Duyne

Laura Hardin

Sue Mell

Mary Roblyn

Emily Mohn-Slate

Meredith Hinds

Parthenia Fields

Marina

Lindsay Sledge

Dr. Lucy McBride

Welcome, and thanks for being a part of the The Mom Diaries, a place where we tell stories about motherhood and friendship; a place where we (respectfully) contemplate, research, and discuss the things everyone is thinking on the playground, but no one feels brave enough talk about! -Kay M.

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