Schemas, Evolution, and Neuroplasticity in the Face of Friendship Rejection
Understanding the psychological processes (and feelings!) behind friendship loss in motherhood.
…A hot and sunny day at our town pool last July. My kids are splashing around a few feet away and I sit under an umbrella scrolling on Instagram.
Suddenly, I come across a photo of a group of mom-friends at the Dave Matthews Concert without me.
I am blindsided.
It was like that scene in “Pride and Prejudice” with Kiera Knightly (Elizabeth) when she’s finally dancing with Mr. Darcy at the ball and they realize they love each other. The world around them falls away and blurs out as they lock eyes with one another.
That was me, only I was locking eyes with a photograph and it wasn’t Mr. Darcy. I wasn’t wearing a ball gown, either, and I was falling…out of my lawn chair. Thank God for lifeguards.
My stomach dropped. It felt like my guts had been wrenched out. My throat was tight and dry and it was difficult to breathe. My palms were sweaty (and not just because it was 95 degrees out). If you have ever experienced this or you work in mental health like me, than you know that these are also symptoms of panic. I was quite literally experiencing “fight-or-flight” mode.
Friends who I thought would have invited me to a social event such as an outing to a concert had not invited me, and I was shocked.
I texted my husband immediately.
“babe something terrible has happened.”
“what!?”
“This” (insert screenshot image of said photo).
“What? Who is that? What’s the big deal?”
“What’s the big deal!? I wasn’t invited! This is X,Y, and Z! Our kids are besties, our kids have playdates together…how come they didn’t think of me?”
“I’m sorry babe, not cool.”
The Evolutionary Perspective On Friendship Rejection…
In that moment, several of my existing “schemas” (mental pictures) about how I viewed and understood my social standing in our community came crashing down. And ultimately what I felt was pain.
Scientists now know that the discomfort (“hurt feelings”) we experience when we’re left out socially is processed and registered in the same parts of our brain as where we feel physical pain. This has to do with evolution, and the life-or-death situation that being left out of our “pack” once presented thousands of years ago, back when we were tribal hunters and gatherers of nuts and berries.
So—what exactly had happened to me in that moment—and why had my mind been so confused all of a sudden? Pass the nuts and berries and pull up a chair. I’ll tell you why.
So biologically, we know all about the neural pain pathways that developed from our ancestors (discussed above) to help keep us alive when we were—God forbid—about to be booted from the tribe. But cognitively or psychologically, the answer might lie in something we psychologists call “schemas.”
The Cognitive Perspective on Friendship Rejection…
“Schema” derives its meaning from the Greek word “schemat” or “schema” which means “figure.” A concept applied originally in philosophy, “schemas” began to gain traction in the mid-twentieth century in the field of psychology.
Notably, Gestalt psychologist Jean Piaget was credited with articulating the first cognitive development theory of schemas, describing four key stages of development in children (sensorimotor, preoperational, concrete operations, and formal operations—more on that another day.)
Piaget had something interesting to say about schemas: he believed that children (and ultimately, adults, too) take an active role in learning, constantly adding new information onto existing knowledge stored in our brains, and applying old mental structures to new objects and situations in a process called assimilation.
While I didn’t sit down in my pool chair that day thinking my day would be turned upside down, it sure was a doozy.
Ultimately, my brain had to change or reconfigure the old schemas I had about my social situation (we’re all friends! I’m well-liked!) and fit it in with a new situation (a clique has formed, the person who started this group excluded me, and none of my friends are sticking up for me). These are actually sentences I was able to articulate in therapy days later. In the moment, though, all my brain was saying was “you’re about to die! you’re about to die!” The healthier, more accurate reconfiguration I did in therapy through reflection and learning is something psychologists call accommodation.
Meanwhile, people have different kinds of schemas stored in their brains that are constantly being updated as new information is presented. Think of it like you’re constantly changing the decor in your living room. Oh this wall used to be covered in flowery wallpaper. But I pulled that shizang off and now it’s painted beige and I’ve added white furniture. I also added a new bay window.
…“Person schemas,” “event schemas,” “social schemas,” and “self schemas,” are examples of these different mental pictures and conceptualizations we have about our lives. Importantly, self schemas are ideas, impressions, and beliefs that we have about who we are.
…In that instant at the pool, my social and self-schemas both took a hit.
First, I realized that the group I had once “seen” myself as a part of no longer existed (at least with me in it.) Next, I felt self-doubt about my own worthiness in the face of being socially ostracized (this group of 9 moms-of-daughters from my oldest daughter’s Kindergarten class didn’t invite me and two other girl-moms in the class to the Dave Matthews concert. This group has since gone on to do other social gatherings together and have not included us). I also had some trust issues pop up. Like since we had hung out before, why had the moms I was friends with, not advocated to the organizer for me to be invited to the DMB concert?
For a hot minute, IT ALL SUCKED A LOT. And my husband, close friends, and therapist have heard a lot about how much it sucked (thank you, loves).
….Neuroplasticity and Friendship Rejection
BUT…the really neat thing about schema change and our beautiful brains, is that like anything challenging, something new and good can emerge when we re-frame or reappraise a situation, even if we are thrust into it unwillingly.
Our brains are neuroplastic, which means they have the ability to change and adapt through learning; so through changes in our behavior, our neural pathways in our brains actually change physically and biologically. This is an amazing reality, a new-ish discovery, and one that offers humans a lot of hope.
It offers us a lot of hope when we consider how to rebuild parts of our lives or ourselves. I’ll probs be talking about neuroplasticity quite a bit in future articles, but for now, just know that “neuroplasticity” is the brain’s ability to change and grow new neural networks and it involves both structural and functional changes to the brain as a result of learning.
…Behavior Changes in the Midst of Friendship Rejection
So, while it was painful to re-evaluate and essentially reconfigure what I had held to be true about my social group, knew truths soon emerged, and new processes of assimilation and accommodation ensued. This was also due to behavioral changes that I consciously made.
1. For one thing, I was so upset that I started this blog! and realized that “friendship in motherhood” dovetails nicely with my own doctoral research on maternal mental health. So this was, in many ways, a breakthrough. (Thank you, mean mommies.) I also continue to talk through my feelings about this stuff with my own therapist which helps me to better regulate my emotions, and to feel validated. My therapy sessions allow me to decompress, clarify my values, and come up with new strategies for living out my intentions. I also love therapy because it places me in the patient’s chair, and as a psychologist-in-training, this is (and always has been) valuable perspective-taking and it makes me 110% more compassionate and humble when bringing my own expertise into clinical sessions as a clinician.
2. Secondly, I realize that I do have good friends, and that these are women with whom I experience a genuine sense of connection and belonging with. Furthermore, most of them aren’t in that particular clique.
In fact, I tend to have mom-friends that are different, independent yet inclusive, hilarious and can make fun of themselves, and not cliquey. When I personally get a group together, I like to invite women from different places and different spaces, and I always leave the door open for new people to join in on the fun.
The Big Take-Away —….I don’t create exclusive groups that purposely omit other women.
I was happy to recognize this about myself, and to affirm that this is definitely a core value of mine and a part of my personal self-schema: I love building community and lifting up other women.
I’m not sure that hunter-gatherer communities talked about the difference between belonging and fitting in (hello, Dr. Brene Brown), or if that’s a luxury that we get to work through today as modern humans. But anyway, you can always find me poolside throwing berries and causing trouble.
Thanks, Piaget.
Warmly,
Kay M.
Citations:
Fischer, H. (1964). The Psychology of Piaget and Its Educational Applications. International Review of Education / Internationale Zeitschrift Für Erziehungswissenschaft / Revue Internationale de l’Education, 10(4), 431–440. http://www.jstor.org/stable/3442313
Kays, J. L., Hurley, R. A., & Taber, K. H. (2012). The dynamic brain: neuroplasticity and mental health. The Journal of neuropsychiatry and clinical neurosciences, 24(2), 118-124.
Mark R. Leary (2015) Emotional responses to interpersonal rejection, Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 17:4, 435-441, DOI: 10.31887/DCNS.2015.17.4/mleary
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Kay’s P.S. …as always, I like to give a shout-out to fellow writers here on Substack whose work inspires me.
Here are a few articles I especially loved reading this week. Please consider following and supporting these amazing women:
KAY’S TOP FAVES THIS WEEK:
(1) “I’ll Think About That Tomorrow: Solstice Thoughts and Best Books” by She writes about the origins of “solstice",” pushing off all the pressure-filled to-dos we have piling up through December, and the joy of simply being with people. Ooooh. Exquisite writing here. I love this line about “people joy” in particular:
“The people joy is internal, almost spiritual, elusive and magical. I rarely point my phone at them, their presence wants my full attention.”
(2) “Trim Your Christmas Tree and Unpack Your Memories” by Dr. Susan Landers, MD, of She writes about spending more time reveling in the good memories than necessarily creating them. It resonated for me because I love the story-telling element that accompanies decorating our Christmas tree, and my 6-year-old has been asking my husband and I “what is a tradition?” …Needless to say, this beautiful piece by Dr. Landers really spoke to me this holiday season. She writes:
“My granddaughter, Katherine, hung five red glass chili peppers all in a row upon one branch because she thought “they went together.” Those chili peppers came from a trip to San Antonio one summer in which we visited the Alamo, Sea World, and the Hill Country Hyatt to experience that lazy flowing river for family tubing.”
(3) “Flour Fiasco: I Am Not A Calm Mom” by Dr. Barbash writes a great piece here (published in October but it hit home for me this past week) about the hilarious episode where she presented her kids with a sensory bin filled with flour, and then struggled to stay calm while the situation imploded on the deck.
Here’s a terrific excerpt in which I felt seen and validated (both as a mom and fellow mental health clinician). Dr. Barbash writes:
“How I used to think my experience should go… The flour starts flying and suddenly a toddler looks like a little old lady, her hair completely white. I take a deep breath or two. This is just flour, and I notice that they are having fun. I laugh. It’s not how I thought it would go but that’s okay. They will remember this with joy and that is what matters… It’s just a little mess, we can clean it up.
And here is my actual experience…I try to take a breath, okay it’s already a mess, it’s fine…IT’S FINE! Tension in body, telling myself it’s already a mess just lean in…. but I am mad. I am really mad.”
(4) “Do Interior Designers Know What Homes Are For? by This just a freakin’ hilarious piece of writing. Claire takes a copy of House Beautiful magazine that her mom gave her, and basically shreds it to pieces. You will laugh ‘til you cry. Or pee. Or both at the same time. But definitely worth reading (while on the toilet.)
Here’s a goody:
“I would like to read a home decor magazine that has more relatable, or at least honest scenarios from decorators like:
“For impromptu cocktail parties, there is an extra recycling bin in the living room— permanently.”
“The owner wanted a luxe place for the mice to shit, so we created built-in shelving beneath the stove and painted it in a high gloss.”
“I love the idea of having a place for the hostess to momentarily fume over her husband asking her why she’s so stressed out right before one of their legendary cocktail parties, which is why I created this tiny butler’s pantry with an ice machine.”
(5) “Two Short and Sweet Meditations to Soothe Your Soul” by The Mother Well. Lauren’s voice is magic, as are her words of compassion and grounding.
Scroll down towards the end of her article to access her beautiful, centering meditations.
In the article itself this line in particular really caught my attention, as a researcher interested in maternal health and the impact of loneliness / friendship:
“Writing has caught me… held me… saved me… over and over again this year. Without it I honestly think I would have been swallowed whole by stagnation and loneliness..”
(6) “Hope and Unexpected Connections” by Hope and Coffee Matters. has a distinct voice in her posts, and this one really caught my eye this holiday season. I appreciated her reminder that things we want and hope for (expected outcomes) are often discovered in the unexpected people and places we encounter. Such a beautiful reminder of faith.
Parthenia writes:
“God knew exactly whom I’d need and sent them to unexpectedly ‘invade my space.’ (If y’all are reading this, I still love y’all. 😆💜)”
(7) “Do You Still Want The China?” by is the “earnest introvert” and poignantly describes her grandmother’s request that she take the china. But this essay is about more than a request, it’s about long-standing family ties and reckoning with death and love and longing. It made me think about the material belongings stored in my own grandma’s cabinets, and how I will feel when they need retrieving. Get ready to cry…
Lindsay writes:
“And I will remember my grandmother, ready to let go of her belongings, to leave them in good hands, in anticipation of what awaits her on the other side.”
Disclaimer: the content on Substack’s “The Mom Diaries” of “Momffirmations” posted by Kay M. (@themomdiaries and https://substack.com/@themomdiaries) and on YouTube (@TheMomDiariesbyKayM) or any other medium or social media platform (the “information”) is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical, medical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Kay M. or The Mom Diaries or Momffirmations is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional, medical doctor, or other qualified health provider.
Thank you so much for the mention, it's such an amazing experience to have others connect with what you write.
Thank you for sharing how your experiences have brought you here. Navigating relationships is so complex and relatable because-well we are all humans!
Honored to be included with all these great reads! And interested in this neuroplasticity that gives me a little hope about my own stuck ways. 💚