My thoughts on psychologist Dr. Jonathan Haidt's riveting new book about children, mental health, the damaging role of social media, and what parents can do about it.
Thanks for summarising some of the points! Definitely looks worth a read. My kids are young and even now I struggle to keep the screens away from them. Whether from me, or others.
I agree with protecting childhood as much as we can and banding together to do it. I also think the most difficult part is what we model to our kids. Are we willing to look at our own addiction? Can I put my phone away for hours at a time? I think about this a lot and chat about the uncomfortable truth with a couple of mum friends who are willing to go there.
To be honest, I happily put my phone away for hours when I'm in company. My kids don't ask/whine/plead/beg to watch a video when we're with other people and other children. But a lot of times I'm alone in a house with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and then I reach for my only form of adult connection... The device!
So as much as this is about boundaries that we set for our kids, I think it's a lot about boundaries we set for ourselves and making the shifts in our lives that will actually make it possible to uphold those boundaries. For me that looks like inviting real live human beings into my house as much as I can manage.
Hi Rahma!! Ahhh, this is such a good and humbling point. It's true what you say! ...as much as this is about boundary setting for the kids, it IS also about what they see us parents and adults doing. The mirror neurons and Bandura's observational learning studies really tell us that children learn by watching others. So if they see us on the phones constantly, they will repeat that behavior. My relationship with social media has evolved over the years. I was graduating college when Facebook came out, and I had an immediate aversion to it, actually. At the time, I remember my boyfriend posting pictures of us and our friends and being disappointed that I wouldn't create my own profile. But I found the idea of seeing other people having fun on a regular basis and then knowing my photos would be out there, well, repelling. So my first instinct was to fear Facebook. And I think it was a good instinct. However, I eventually signed on to all the big social medias...got addicted on my iPhone once that came out...and then realized (through my own therapy) that social media was having negative impacts on my self-esteem. Long story short: as a mom and therapist in training, I only have Instagram and I keep it very small, private, and am not on it every week. That being said, I find myself drawn into my phone to read news stories, which can be addicting for me. THANK YOU, Rahma, for pointing out how important it is for us to remember that we teach our kids by modeling behaviors. I needed that reminder. :)
Totally! So hard to do. I've tried to be more mindful this weekend, and am realizing just how often I'm attached to technology....but being intentional about connecting with my girls is helping a little bit.
I totally agree! But even then, it's not just home life, but also what the other kids get to do at school. I once had a discussion with an ex where we both agreed social media for kids and even teens is probably bad and we would prefer to abstain them as long as possible, but I also felt that it would be near impossible to prevent them from getting (secret) accounts and/or phones. And it may even put a target on their back for bullying. It's also a very tricky societal issue.
Such good points here, Jane. It’s really about holding the tension between allowing them to use it, within certain parameters, right? Kind of a learning as you go process with regards to teens and social media/phone use. Thanks for your thoughts here. 🙏🏻
Thank you for sharing these wise tips, Kay. My kids are still toddlers and, unfortunately, we haven't succeeded in keeping them off the screen (just kiddie videos). But the sage advice of this book to keep them off social media is something I'll definitely fight hard to do.
Hi Sim! I totally understand. My daughters are ages 5 and 6, and we do let them watch t.v. and learning games on their iPads... while my husband and I do set boundaries around how much they can "watch" (and try to emphasize hands-on play/outdoors play/crafts/make-believe)... there are still many moments when we turn to the t.v. as a "babysitter" of sorts so that we can have a quiet dinner together or a conversation without interruption. Also, it is worth noting that my kiddos are very motivated by watching tv, and will often clean up their toys if I say they can watch a show afterwards....it's such a struggle sometimes! But, I am grateful for Dr. Haidt's research on the harmful effects of smartphones/social media...definitely want to keep my girls away from that for as long as possible....especially since the mental health problems seem to be hitting harder (at least, statistically speaking) for young females.
Those figures are just unbearably sad. I put down “maybe” as an answer to the social media question, because I know teenagers will find a way around it to find forbidden fruit. Anything to feel included. It’s a normal stage, but social media ramps it up in a toxic way. Thank you for calling attention to this. And I appreciate the mention. I’m glad to be here.
Hi Mary! Thanks so very much for your input here. I think your answer "maybe" is wise. Because the more we say "no" the more interesting something might be, right? Especially for young people and when it comes to intrigue and social situations/relationships. So....what to do? As a psychology student and as a mom, it makes me think that kids really have to be "intrinsically motivated" to have boundaries / say no to things that are dangerous. "Extrinsic motivation" alone, such as me saying "no don't do that, it's bad" as a mother/therapist, is not enough and may even push my kids in the other direction.
Mary, if you feel comfortable sharing...as a more experienced Mama :)...what is your advice on how to talk to young people or teens about things that might be dangerous to their health? Did you ever experience this with your own family members? In some ways, this reminds me of cigarettes. For a long time teens smoked until the surgeon general's warning came out, and laws were changed to warn/protect/set boundaries and age restrictions around smoking. I wonder if we will get to that point with social media?
Kay, I think the most important thing you can do for a child is to let them know how much you care for them. If you do this from a young age, they will absorb the message that your concern is for their safety and well-being. I think social media has amplified the terrible messages that kids have always received from their peers about the need to look and act a certain way to be accepted. You can call that out when you see it, without being the bad guy or shaming your kids for wanting to fit in. Do research and share what you learn about how companies make money every time you click on a link. Do research together. Let kids find out how much is about profit. And learn, as a family, how much you’re being manipulated, and how much harm social media can do if used inappropriately. Knowledge is power.
Thanks for quoting me Kay! I do not see myself giving my kids access to social media before the age of 13. 16 sounds ideal, but I think it’s much harder to manage their social circle in adolescence, and so much of their social world will be on line, unfortunately. So I could see myself permitting it at 13, realistically.I think monitoring it, teaching and providing lots of guidance, AND making sure we are encouraging them to build fulfillment outside of apps is all part of raising resilient kids in a social media world.
I will also say, that I have seen a lot more elementary aged kids communicating with friends via apps on their tablets and iPhones, with written texts or voice to text or voice notes. Even though it’s not social media, it’s a level of communication that their brains are not mature enough to handle AND they do not need access to their peers all the time at that age. I don’t see as much conversation happening about this yet, but I’m not a fan.
Hi Amber! Thanks so much for your input here, such valuable points you make. (and you're welcome for the mention! I love your writing so much.) .....I appreciate the discussion around age 13 versus age 16, because I think you're right that things ramp up in middle school years socially, so it might be impossible to "prevent" kids' social media relationships from expanding at that point in their development.
I also appreciate your point that in addition to monitoring and guiding kids as they operate social media accounts, encouraging them to build fulfillment outside of apps is also critically important. I actually talk about that in the lil' recording I did at the top of this article, where I remember how when I was in middle school myself (a time when I was heavily bullied), I found solace and strength in the extracurricular activities I did. It was in those settings that I built self-esteem, had fun, and made nicer friends.
Such a good point too, about voice to text and communication on apps. Haven't thought much about that yet but it's a good conversation starter....
I wonder if we are raising the next generation of delay socials? Because of the previous gen issues? I sure hope so!!! Obv this is different, but, My boys sure love a good screen time sesh, though just as much they love crafts, nature, adventure, wrestling each other and playing w friends. It’s instinctual to put down an iPad or walk away from the tv when they feel done. So I’m hopeful!
Hi Kristen!! I super appreciate your perspective here as a mom of sons! I hear that your boys love a good screen time sesh (video games? movies? both :)))....but that they also love nature and playing/crafting/etc.
It reminds me of what Dr. Amber was saying in the comment above, how it's kind of a balance where as parents we monitor/guide our kids around social media, and also encourage them to find fulfillment in things that aren't screen-related (sports, crafts, music, etc.).
I just wonder how this all effects kids who aren't growing up in homes where parents can A) afford extracurrics of B) are checked out because of their own problems and aren't aware of how to cultivate this for their kids.
Also, while I'm a mama of girls, my colleagues and clients who have sons or are young males, say they have a lot of fun playing video games for ex., and that it can also be a connecting, social activity as well as a way to express themselves or their manhood. So, it sounds like there are good things too that we can't forget about.
Thanks again for your thoughts here K! Appreciate it so much! (Also, has winter finally subsided in Mass? Or are you guys still waiting for the flowers to bloom? I heard it's been a rough one. My friends in NH still have snow!)
Hi Kay! great points and feedback. I wonder the same things.
they are not playing video games (not really something we encourage by nature as my husband and I never really played them. or if my husband did, it was long before I knew him!) I would not mind if they wanted to, but we don't have any gaming "stuff". so yeah, they are mostly watching shows, movies or youtube, which, there ARE educational vids on there - my 5 y/o has learned some truly mind blowing facts about stuff he is into. my 2 y/o loves the lion king. (seems a bit intense for that age but he knows and loves every character.)
winter has mostly subsided in MA! it was gorgeous the last two days! but, you know new england, today it is raw and rainy.
Good to know! And I agree that YouTube can be an excellent resource. I love YouTube for it's music, and Kahn Academy, which I utilize when I'm studying difficult topics in my psychology program and I just need a micro-video with a smart person explaining neuroscience. LOL.
Ha! Raw and rainy here in NJ today, too.....we had some pretty, warm days earlier this week tho. I'm hopeful that more sunshine is on the way!!
This book has been on my list. I’m for sure terrified of social media with my kids. I plan on keeping them away for as long as possible! But this has meant I’ve changed how I’m on my phone around them too, I try not to be on my phone around them much so they don’t grow up with me with my head in a phone and also aren’t overly fascinated by it. Will have to think about friends and other adults too with phone and what to do there. :/
Hi Morgan! Yes! I like your point that you try not to be on your phone around them so much....and that you don't want your kids to grow up with your head in the phone. It's hard, right?!! I find it difficult even with something as "simple" as text messaging. I send and receive 20+ texts per day on average, so when I'm with my kids they see my looking at my phone dealing with that....I honestly don't know how to change that. It's crazy.
I haven't read The Anxious Generation yet but I am anticipating agreeing with Haidt. I had my high school sophomores read his "Get Phones Out of School Now" essay (it was in The Atlantic last summer). Most of my students agreed with his thesis and knew their phone were (are) wrecking havoc on the study habits and mental health...but are still addicted.
Hey Jenna! Thanks so much for your thoughts here. I haven't read his essay yet ("Get Phones Out of School Now" but will do so. It's really interesting that most of your students agreed with his thesis but are still addicted. I think the awareness piece is a good thing. At least students are aware. As an adult I feel like I have better self-control then I did as a teenager, which is ultimately why I agree with Haidt's assertion that children/teens shouldn't have iPhones and social media accounts before age 16 (and that smartphones in general should be kept out of schools). I think a policy or law that enforced this would make it much easier for a majority of schools to enforce a "no smartphones in school" policy. Right now, I hear from colleagues that it is difficult to prevent students from taking the phones out during class time.
Hi Kate! I know, so alarming isn't it? This is why data is so important (in addition to story telling and qualitative research....) because we can SEE that more young people - and especially GIRLS....are in distress. Let's do something about it!! :)
Also, to respond to your questions. I am terrified of the introduction of social media to my kids (all three are under 10.) I’ve seen the effects it has on my own psyche at the age of 38! Thus far, I’ve adapted the approach as delay “as long as possible”, which is incredibly vague, I know.
What does that mean? Delay until we finally cave to the eldest pleading their case, then follow suit with the other children at the same age for “fairness”? Delay until he’s driving? What is the true need for a smartphone as a child? These days, there are multiple devices that track their whereabouts and watches that can call a select few numbers as needed.
I want to protect my children as children for as long as possible, and not in an unhealthy way. More so in a “don’t scare away their wonderment and childlike joy prematurely.”
Hi Bethany! Exquisite points you make here. I hadn't considered the "fairness" equations....ahhhhh!!! It's so true. I can just see it happening: my older daughter (17 months older than my other daughter) will probably get access to a phone or social media before her sister...and then there will be a fight about how "unfair" that is! It's especially tricky when they're close in age.
I agree, too, that I want to protect my children for as long as possible...and that it's for good reason. Haha, as you put it "don't scare away their wonderment and childlike joy prematurely" - exactly.
Thanks for summarising some of the points! Definitely looks worth a read. My kids are young and even now I struggle to keep the screens away from them. Whether from me, or others.
I agree with protecting childhood as much as we can and banding together to do it. I also think the most difficult part is what we model to our kids. Are we willing to look at our own addiction? Can I put my phone away for hours at a time? I think about this a lot and chat about the uncomfortable truth with a couple of mum friends who are willing to go there.
To be honest, I happily put my phone away for hours when I'm in company. My kids don't ask/whine/plead/beg to watch a video when we're with other people and other children. But a lot of times I'm alone in a house with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and then I reach for my only form of adult connection... The device!
So as much as this is about boundaries that we set for our kids, I think it's a lot about boundaries we set for ourselves and making the shifts in our lives that will actually make it possible to uphold those boundaries. For me that looks like inviting real live human beings into my house as much as I can manage.
Hi Rahma!! Ahhh, this is such a good and humbling point. It's true what you say! ...as much as this is about boundary setting for the kids, it IS also about what they see us parents and adults doing. The mirror neurons and Bandura's observational learning studies really tell us that children learn by watching others. So if they see us on the phones constantly, they will repeat that behavior. My relationship with social media has evolved over the years. I was graduating college when Facebook came out, and I had an immediate aversion to it, actually. At the time, I remember my boyfriend posting pictures of us and our friends and being disappointed that I wouldn't create my own profile. But I found the idea of seeing other people having fun on a regular basis and then knowing my photos would be out there, well, repelling. So my first instinct was to fear Facebook. And I think it was a good instinct. However, I eventually signed on to all the big social medias...got addicted on my iPhone once that came out...and then realized (through my own therapy) that social media was having negative impacts on my self-esteem. Long story short: as a mom and therapist in training, I only have Instagram and I keep it very small, private, and am not on it every week. That being said, I find myself drawn into my phone to read news stories, which can be addicting for me. THANK YOU, Rahma, for pointing out how important it is for us to remember that we teach our kids by modeling behaviors. I needed that reminder. :)
So agree with these thoughts-- looking at our own behavior with devices and practicing what we preach.
Totally! So hard to do. I've tried to be more mindful this weekend, and am realizing just how often I'm attached to technology....but being intentional about connecting with my girls is helping a little bit.
I totally agree! But even then, it's not just home life, but also what the other kids get to do at school. I once had a discussion with an ex where we both agreed social media for kids and even teens is probably bad and we would prefer to abstain them as long as possible, but I also felt that it would be near impossible to prevent them from getting (secret) accounts and/or phones. And it may even put a target on their back for bullying. It's also a very tricky societal issue.
Such good points here, Jane. It’s really about holding the tension between allowing them to use it, within certain parameters, right? Kind of a learning as you go process with regards to teens and social media/phone use. Thanks for your thoughts here. 🙏🏻
Thank you for sharing these wise tips, Kay. My kids are still toddlers and, unfortunately, we haven't succeeded in keeping them off the screen (just kiddie videos). But the sage advice of this book to keep them off social media is something I'll definitely fight hard to do.
Hi Sim! I totally understand. My daughters are ages 5 and 6, and we do let them watch t.v. and learning games on their iPads... while my husband and I do set boundaries around how much they can "watch" (and try to emphasize hands-on play/outdoors play/crafts/make-believe)... there are still many moments when we turn to the t.v. as a "babysitter" of sorts so that we can have a quiet dinner together or a conversation without interruption. Also, it is worth noting that my kiddos are very motivated by watching tv, and will often clean up their toys if I say they can watch a show afterwards....it's such a struggle sometimes! But, I am grateful for Dr. Haidt's research on the harmful effects of smartphones/social media...definitely want to keep my girls away from that for as long as possible....especially since the mental health problems seem to be hitting harder (at least, statistically speaking) for young females.
Those figures are just unbearably sad. I put down “maybe” as an answer to the social media question, because I know teenagers will find a way around it to find forbidden fruit. Anything to feel included. It’s a normal stage, but social media ramps it up in a toxic way. Thank you for calling attention to this. And I appreciate the mention. I’m glad to be here.
Hi Mary! Thanks so very much for your input here. I think your answer "maybe" is wise. Because the more we say "no" the more interesting something might be, right? Especially for young people and when it comes to intrigue and social situations/relationships. So....what to do? As a psychology student and as a mom, it makes me think that kids really have to be "intrinsically motivated" to have boundaries / say no to things that are dangerous. "Extrinsic motivation" alone, such as me saying "no don't do that, it's bad" as a mother/therapist, is not enough and may even push my kids in the other direction.
Mary, if you feel comfortable sharing...as a more experienced Mama :)...what is your advice on how to talk to young people or teens about things that might be dangerous to their health? Did you ever experience this with your own family members? In some ways, this reminds me of cigarettes. For a long time teens smoked until the surgeon general's warning came out, and laws were changed to warn/protect/set boundaries and age restrictions around smoking. I wonder if we will get to that point with social media?
Thanks!
Kay, I think the most important thing you can do for a child is to let them know how much you care for them. If you do this from a young age, they will absorb the message that your concern is for their safety and well-being. I think social media has amplified the terrible messages that kids have always received from their peers about the need to look and act a certain way to be accepted. You can call that out when you see it, without being the bad guy or shaming your kids for wanting to fit in. Do research and share what you learn about how companies make money every time you click on a link. Do research together. Let kids find out how much is about profit. And learn, as a family, how much you’re being manipulated, and how much harm social media can do if used inappropriately. Knowledge is power.
Thank you for your second response here, Mary. Really appreciate it. Knowledge is power, and that is a great reminder and also feels encouraging.
I answered maybe for the same reasons. 🙏🏼
Thanks for quoting me Kay! I do not see myself giving my kids access to social media before the age of 13. 16 sounds ideal, but I think it’s much harder to manage their social circle in adolescence, and so much of their social world will be on line, unfortunately. So I could see myself permitting it at 13, realistically.I think monitoring it, teaching and providing lots of guidance, AND making sure we are encouraging them to build fulfillment outside of apps is all part of raising resilient kids in a social media world.
I will also say, that I have seen a lot more elementary aged kids communicating with friends via apps on their tablets and iPhones, with written texts or voice to text or voice notes. Even though it’s not social media, it’s a level of communication that their brains are not mature enough to handle AND they do not need access to their peers all the time at that age. I don’t see as much conversation happening about this yet, but I’m not a fan.
Hi Amber! Thanks so much for your input here, such valuable points you make. (and you're welcome for the mention! I love your writing so much.) .....I appreciate the discussion around age 13 versus age 16, because I think you're right that things ramp up in middle school years socially, so it might be impossible to "prevent" kids' social media relationships from expanding at that point in their development.
I also appreciate your point that in addition to monitoring and guiding kids as they operate social media accounts, encouraging them to build fulfillment outside of apps is also critically important. I actually talk about that in the lil' recording I did at the top of this article, where I remember how when I was in middle school myself (a time when I was heavily bullied), I found solace and strength in the extracurricular activities I did. It was in those settings that I built self-esteem, had fun, and made nicer friends.
Such a good point too, about voice to text and communication on apps. Haven't thought much about that yet but it's a good conversation starter....
Thanks again for your input, Amber!
I wonder if we are raising the next generation of delay socials? Because of the previous gen issues? I sure hope so!!! Obv this is different, but, My boys sure love a good screen time sesh, though just as much they love crafts, nature, adventure, wrestling each other and playing w friends. It’s instinctual to put down an iPad or walk away from the tv when they feel done. So I’m hopeful!
Hi Kristen!! I super appreciate your perspective here as a mom of sons! I hear that your boys love a good screen time sesh (video games? movies? both :)))....but that they also love nature and playing/crafting/etc.
It reminds me of what Dr. Amber was saying in the comment above, how it's kind of a balance where as parents we monitor/guide our kids around social media, and also encourage them to find fulfillment in things that aren't screen-related (sports, crafts, music, etc.).
I just wonder how this all effects kids who aren't growing up in homes where parents can A) afford extracurrics of B) are checked out because of their own problems and aren't aware of how to cultivate this for their kids.
Also, while I'm a mama of girls, my colleagues and clients who have sons or are young males, say they have a lot of fun playing video games for ex., and that it can also be a connecting, social activity as well as a way to express themselves or their manhood. So, it sounds like there are good things too that we can't forget about.
Thanks again for your thoughts here K! Appreciate it so much! (Also, has winter finally subsided in Mass? Or are you guys still waiting for the flowers to bloom? I heard it's been a rough one. My friends in NH still have snow!)
Hi Kay! great points and feedback. I wonder the same things.
they are not playing video games (not really something we encourage by nature as my husband and I never really played them. or if my husband did, it was long before I knew him!) I would not mind if they wanted to, but we don't have any gaming "stuff". so yeah, they are mostly watching shows, movies or youtube, which, there ARE educational vids on there - my 5 y/o has learned some truly mind blowing facts about stuff he is into. my 2 y/o loves the lion king. (seems a bit intense for that age but he knows and loves every character.)
winter has mostly subsided in MA! it was gorgeous the last two days! but, you know new england, today it is raw and rainy.
Good to know! And I agree that YouTube can be an excellent resource. I love YouTube for it's music, and Kahn Academy, which I utilize when I'm studying difficult topics in my psychology program and I just need a micro-video with a smart person explaining neuroscience. LOL.
Ha! Raw and rainy here in NJ today, too.....we had some pretty, warm days earlier this week tho. I'm hopeful that more sunshine is on the way!!
This book has been on my list. I’m for sure terrified of social media with my kids. I plan on keeping them away for as long as possible! But this has meant I’ve changed how I’m on my phone around them too, I try not to be on my phone around them much so they don’t grow up with me with my head in a phone and also aren’t overly fascinated by it. Will have to think about friends and other adults too with phone and what to do there. :/
Hi Morgan! Yes! I like your point that you try not to be on your phone around them so much....and that you don't want your kids to grow up with your head in the phone. It's hard, right?!! I find it difficult even with something as "simple" as text messaging. I send and receive 20+ texts per day on average, so when I'm with my kids they see my looking at my phone dealing with that....I honestly don't know how to change that. It's crazy.
Thanks for the inclusion Kay :)
I haven't read The Anxious Generation yet but I am anticipating agreeing with Haidt. I had my high school sophomores read his "Get Phones Out of School Now" essay (it was in The Atlantic last summer). Most of my students agreed with his thesis and knew their phone were (are) wrecking havoc on the study habits and mental health...but are still addicted.
Hey Jenna! Thanks so much for your thoughts here. I haven't read his essay yet ("Get Phones Out of School Now" but will do so. It's really interesting that most of your students agreed with his thesis but are still addicted. I think the awareness piece is a good thing. At least students are aware. As an adult I feel like I have better self-control then I did as a teenager, which is ultimately why I agree with Haidt's assertion that children/teens shouldn't have iPhones and social media accounts before age 16 (and that smartphones in general should be kept out of schools). I think a policy or law that enforced this would make it much easier for a majority of schools to enforce a "no smartphones in school" policy. Right now, I hear from colleagues that it is difficult to prevent students from taking the phones out during class time.
Thanks for including me here Kay. I must read this book. Those charts are so telling 😕💛
Hi Kate! I know, so alarming isn't it? This is why data is so important (in addition to story telling and qualitative research....) because we can SEE that more young people - and especially GIRLS....are in distress. Let's do something about it!! :)
Always honored to be mentioned by you, friend. Thank you!
Yay! Sending so much love to you, too, my friend!!!!
Also, to respond to your questions. I am terrified of the introduction of social media to my kids (all three are under 10.) I’ve seen the effects it has on my own psyche at the age of 38! Thus far, I’ve adapted the approach as delay “as long as possible”, which is incredibly vague, I know.
What does that mean? Delay until we finally cave to the eldest pleading their case, then follow suit with the other children at the same age for “fairness”? Delay until he’s driving? What is the true need for a smartphone as a child? These days, there are multiple devices that track their whereabouts and watches that can call a select few numbers as needed.
I want to protect my children as children for as long as possible, and not in an unhealthy way. More so in a “don’t scare away their wonderment and childlike joy prematurely.”
Hi Bethany! Exquisite points you make here. I hadn't considered the "fairness" equations....ahhhhh!!! It's so true. I can just see it happening: my older daughter (17 months older than my other daughter) will probably get access to a phone or social media before her sister...and then there will be a fight about how "unfair" that is! It's especially tricky when they're close in age.
I agree, too, that I want to protect my children for as long as possible...and that it's for good reason. Haha, as you put it "don't scare away their wonderment and childlike joy prematurely" - exactly.
I really enjoyed your commentary-- much to think on as parents of this generation. Also, I played soccer and was involved in dance, too! ❣️
Aw, yay! Let's dance and score goals together, my friend! ...so glad you're here. ;)