Research demonstrates the benefits of shared parenting...because most moms don't have eight arms. Why the "alloparenting" concept is good for babies AND moms.
Yes! Exactly. As humans, we are wired for connection, and as moms, we are uniquely wired for affiliation and connection with each other as we bond with/raise our own children. It's amazing how important this is, and yet I don't think we acknowledge the reality of it enough. I find that my patients who are moms (and mom friends) feel like their stress is diffused/de-fused after a good chat/cry/laugh with friend(s) (or a therapist!)...but we need these connections on a regular basis! I don't think it's "enough" to expect moms to only connect with another woman(en) once a week...Do any patients/clients you see talk about the benefits of being in a support group, book club, some sort of group? Thanks for your insight as a psychologist, Amber! So greatly appreciate your voice here. :))
As I’m only just entering motherhood, this piece I’ll hold onto. I’m already struggling with asking for help (partly bc I want to prove to myself that I can still do the things prior to baby,so pride I guess is my issue). But it’s such a beautiful image of togetherness, especially from the context of baby, always being cared for, soothed and comforted. Thank you for this piece, Kay!
Thanks, Jordan! (It's Jordan, right? It takes me a little while but I love to memorize everyone's name!) ....that's so brave of you to admit that you're struggling with asking for help. When I struggled with depression at one point, I felt like the only person I could tell was my husband (wonderful man) because I had a reputation for being put-together, over-achiever, successful. Welp. Turns out getting therapy and asking for help and finding community were all humbling AND strengthening for me. So, I totally get the pride thing. But here you are sharing and connecting. It's beautiful. Hope to hear more from you soon, and looking forward to heading over to your profile and blog again shortly!
This sounds like we should talk about it more! I also have felt like many of my mom friends/ acquaintances? have joked often and with longing for communities like this. “I need another sister wife” or “let’s move in next door together” followed by pauses of contemplation that it’s likely never going to happen for them.
Yes! I’m so glad to read your response here, Chanel! I think you’re spot on that many of us Moms are “longing for communities like this” as you beautifully put it. I’m grateful for our group here on Substack, it’s “virtual” but the support and warmth I feel from you all is genuine. ❤️✨✨
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve had similar conversations with other parents and it’s always this longing that doesn’t feel real or possible. But it has to be, right?? 😅 I think it takes a reimagining that’s so different from the current state of things (plus we’re tired as hell) that it feels so unimaginable, so unattainable.
Hey Sarah, wow! I love that. A "reimagining" is a great way to phrase this longing we have for communities and the creative / re-design we can co-create together as moms. And yea, tired as heck for sure !!
Thanks for the shoutout, Kay, and I love the concept of 'alloparenting' (it just makes so much sense) and the reminder that kids need more cuddles and less judgment. Just acknowledging that things are also difficult for them is so important - and that their rage/frustration/pain will pass.
Yes! So true, Ann. Thanks for your thoughts here. I agree that acknowledging that things are difficult for my kiddos when they are in a moment of "upset" is helpful. When they feel validated and also like "it's ok to have strong feelings sometimes" then they are gentler on themselves and calm down quicker. I find that I have to practice this same kind of self-compassion on myself in order to pass it on to my children. Do you guys have support groups for moms over in Cambridge/UK/where you are right now? :) (Also, enjoyed your Jan. 13th article, and that flooding - woo! we are having that in New Jersey/New York as well. Thankfully our home is on a hillside, but the effects of climate change seem to be picking up everywhere. Also, the Gwen Raverat painting on Coe Fen made me chuckle, given that "curious cow" who kind of steals the show.)
I hope there are parenting support groups in Cambridge where I live, and I could have done with more in the 1990s, but my kids are all grown up now (which doesn't mean I don't need some advice now & again!) It's good to be reminded about the importance of sympathy and patience in family life, and that starts with self-compassion as you say. Yes, the Gwen Raverat photo is lovely, isn't it - I adore her insouciance.
You're welcome, Cindy! It's so good to have you here!! ...I really love how you are spotlighting animals and pets. I have one of our dogs (my pomeranian, Penny) on my lap right now as I speak. I enjoyed your recent piece on giving back to non-profits. Looking forward to reading more of your writing! -Kay
Yes! Can you email me at kay@kaymiddleton.com with more info? Would love to connect with you over email. just put nurturing spaces in the subject line, as well, so I can find the email. Looking forward to collaborating with you, Chanel!
Thanks for the shout-out, Kay! When I was an anthropology major about a hundred years ago, one of the most eye-opening (for me) was just how much of an outlier the U.S. is in that the nuclear family unit is considered the norm. It just was not something that occurred to me. As social animals, we are hardwired to live in groups for all kinds of evolutionary reasons. We need aunts, grandmothers, sisters, friends. And that’s one reason moms suffer in our society, and in other Western countries. Thank you for sharing this story. Love your feisty daughter! And the octopus drawing is adorable.
Same, Mary! I didn't realize that the nuclear family unit is an "outlier" until I began my research, either! It's fascinating. We truly are "social animals" as you say, and are hard-wired to connect, and live in community as well as raise our kids in community! ...and thanks for loving my feisty daughter! :)) Happy Monday to you!
Oooh, does this resonate! I definitely feel like an octopus mom most days! I especially appreciate the reminder to give comfort over complaining (and I appreciate your honesty that it's just not always possible because we are humans and we get tired sometimes!). Great article.
Since I am an infant teacher, I do give a lot of comfort and snuggles throughout my day to the infants in my class as well as comforting my own daughter when we are home. More hugs do help! And that physical reminder can make me less irritable- something about it is grounding when you hug a child.
I no longer try to do everything by myself as much as I once did. My previous coteacher really helped me with that because she was willing to do the things I didn’t like to do and we worked well together. I have only been with my new coteacher since a couple weeks before Christmas, but I think it is going pretty well in terms of us both taking on a lot of responsibility and tasks. She is pretty blunt, so I like to think she would let me know if I was doing something she really disliked. I get nervous with new people because I want to be liked and for people to think I am doing a good job.
Yay! I love hearing that you are giving snuggles to the sweet peas you watch as an infant teacher! And I think your word "grounding" is really on point...I notice how much quicker my children's bodies settle and calm when I embrace them in a big hug and just sit with them or rock them, it's so impactful and positive. I hear that you and your co-teacher are sharing the responsibilities and tasks, and yeah, if her personality is to speak bluntly then I'm sure you'd know pretty quickly if she was unhappy. That being said, it sounds like you're doing a great job, and if you feel good about yourself and your work that is what matters most. :)
Another friend with a lot of little kids will sometimes drop hers off at my house while she does errands or goes to an appointment... sometimes there are 9 kids here, none of whom are older than 10 --- and it's the absolute best time to clean my kitchen 😂 because the kids are so busy playing outside or downstairs. She'll do the same thing for me, and we'll have coffee or lunch together when the errands are done and the kids are still super occupied with eachother.
I think some of it is just about mixing up who's around-- We need eachother so much. So glad you're bringing attention to this, and I love the word "allomothers."
I talk to my mom clients about this often- mothers were never supposed to be this isolated! It feels hard because it is so hard.
Yes! Exactly. As humans, we are wired for connection, and as moms, we are uniquely wired for affiliation and connection with each other as we bond with/raise our own children. It's amazing how important this is, and yet I don't think we acknowledge the reality of it enough. I find that my patients who are moms (and mom friends) feel like their stress is diffused/de-fused after a good chat/cry/laugh with friend(s) (or a therapist!)...but we need these connections on a regular basis! I don't think it's "enough" to expect moms to only connect with another woman(en) once a week...Do any patients/clients you see talk about the benefits of being in a support group, book club, some sort of group? Thanks for your insight as a psychologist, Amber! So greatly appreciate your voice here. :))
As I’m only just entering motherhood, this piece I’ll hold onto. I’m already struggling with asking for help (partly bc I want to prove to myself that I can still do the things prior to baby,so pride I guess is my issue). But it’s such a beautiful image of togetherness, especially from the context of baby, always being cared for, soothed and comforted. Thank you for this piece, Kay!
Thanks, Jordan! (It's Jordan, right? It takes me a little while but I love to memorize everyone's name!) ....that's so brave of you to admit that you're struggling with asking for help. When I struggled with depression at one point, I felt like the only person I could tell was my husband (wonderful man) because I had a reputation for being put-together, over-achiever, successful. Welp. Turns out getting therapy and asking for help and finding community were all humbling AND strengthening for me. So, I totally get the pride thing. But here you are sharing and connecting. It's beautiful. Hope to hear more from you soon, and looking forward to heading over to your profile and blog again shortly!
This sounds like we should talk about it more! I also have felt like many of my mom friends/ acquaintances? have joked often and with longing for communities like this. “I need another sister wife” or “let’s move in next door together” followed by pauses of contemplation that it’s likely never going to happen for them.
Yes! I’m so glad to read your response here, Chanel! I think you’re spot on that many of us Moms are “longing for communities like this” as you beautifully put it. I’m grateful for our group here on Substack, it’s “virtual” but the support and warmth I feel from you all is genuine. ❤️✨✨
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve had similar conversations with other parents and it’s always this longing that doesn’t feel real or possible. But it has to be, right?? 😅 I think it takes a reimagining that’s so different from the current state of things (plus we’re tired as hell) that it feels so unimaginable, so unattainable.
Hey Sarah, wow! I love that. A "reimagining" is a great way to phrase this longing we have for communities and the creative / re-design we can co-create together as moms. And yea, tired as heck for sure !!
Thanks for the shoutout, Kay, and I love the concept of 'alloparenting' (it just makes so much sense) and the reminder that kids need more cuddles and less judgment. Just acknowledging that things are also difficult for them is so important - and that their rage/frustration/pain will pass.
Yes! So true, Ann. Thanks for your thoughts here. I agree that acknowledging that things are difficult for my kiddos when they are in a moment of "upset" is helpful. When they feel validated and also like "it's ok to have strong feelings sometimes" then they are gentler on themselves and calm down quicker. I find that I have to practice this same kind of self-compassion on myself in order to pass it on to my children. Do you guys have support groups for moms over in Cambridge/UK/where you are right now? :) (Also, enjoyed your Jan. 13th article, and that flooding - woo! we are having that in New Jersey/New York as well. Thankfully our home is on a hillside, but the effects of climate change seem to be picking up everywhere. Also, the Gwen Raverat painting on Coe Fen made me chuckle, given that "curious cow" who kind of steals the show.)
I hope there are parenting support groups in Cambridge where I live, and I could have done with more in the 1990s, but my kids are all grown up now (which doesn't mean I don't need some advice now & again!) It's good to be reminded about the importance of sympathy and patience in family life, and that starts with self-compassion as you say. Yes, the Gwen Raverat photo is lovely, isn't it - I adore her insouciance.
Thanks for including me in the Mom Diaries community of women!
You're welcome, Cindy! It's so good to have you here!! ...I really love how you are spotlighting animals and pets. I have one of our dogs (my pomeranian, Penny) on my lap right now as I speak. I enjoyed your recent piece on giving back to non-profits. Looking forward to reading more of your writing! -Kay
Would you be able to discuss this in the upcoming series I’m doing on nurturing spaces and building community? https://open.substack.com/pub/motherhoodminute/p/announcing-a-new-series-nurturing?r=1l34q7&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
Yes! Can you email me at kay@kaymiddleton.com with more info? Would love to connect with you over email. just put nurturing spaces in the subject line, as well, so I can find the email. Looking forward to collaborating with you, Chanel!
Thanks for the shout-out, Kay! When I was an anthropology major about a hundred years ago, one of the most eye-opening (for me) was just how much of an outlier the U.S. is in that the nuclear family unit is considered the norm. It just was not something that occurred to me. As social animals, we are hardwired to live in groups for all kinds of evolutionary reasons. We need aunts, grandmothers, sisters, friends. And that’s one reason moms suffer in our society, and in other Western countries. Thank you for sharing this story. Love your feisty daughter! And the octopus drawing is adorable.
Same, Mary! I didn't realize that the nuclear family unit is an "outlier" until I began my research, either! It's fascinating. We truly are "social animals" as you say, and are hard-wired to connect, and live in community as well as raise our kids in community! ...and thanks for loving my feisty daughter! :)) Happy Monday to you!
Oooh, does this resonate! I definitely feel like an octopus mom most days! I especially appreciate the reminder to give comfort over complaining (and I appreciate your honesty that it's just not always possible because we are humans and we get tired sometimes!). Great article.
Thanks, Miranda! From one Octopus Mom to another - we got this! :)
Since I am an infant teacher, I do give a lot of comfort and snuggles throughout my day to the infants in my class as well as comforting my own daughter when we are home. More hugs do help! And that physical reminder can make me less irritable- something about it is grounding when you hug a child.
I no longer try to do everything by myself as much as I once did. My previous coteacher really helped me with that because she was willing to do the things I didn’t like to do and we worked well together. I have only been with my new coteacher since a couple weeks before Christmas, but I think it is going pretty well in terms of us both taking on a lot of responsibility and tasks. She is pretty blunt, so I like to think she would let me know if I was doing something she really disliked. I get nervous with new people because I want to be liked and for people to think I am doing a good job.
Yay! I love hearing that you are giving snuggles to the sweet peas you watch as an infant teacher! And I think your word "grounding" is really on point...I notice how much quicker my children's bodies settle and calm when I embrace them in a big hug and just sit with them or rock them, it's so impactful and positive. I hear that you and your co-teacher are sharing the responsibilities and tasks, and yeah, if her personality is to speak bluntly then I'm sure you'd know pretty quickly if she was unhappy. That being said, it sounds like you're doing a great job, and if you feel good about yourself and your work that is what matters most. :)
Another friend with a lot of little kids will sometimes drop hers off at my house while she does errands or goes to an appointment... sometimes there are 9 kids here, none of whom are older than 10 --- and it's the absolute best time to clean my kitchen 😂 because the kids are so busy playing outside or downstairs. She'll do the same thing for me, and we'll have coffee or lunch together when the errands are done and the kids are still super occupied with eachother.
I think some of it is just about mixing up who's around-- We need eachother so much. So glad you're bringing attention to this, and I love the word "allomothers."